April 8, 2010 | By: Tracy

It's Query Time

After numerous revisions (more than I did on the freaking manuscript mind you) I think I'm close to done with my query pitch.  I figured I'd lay it out here and let all y'all (country moment) take a look and tell me what you think.

I've decided not to post it on another forum like Nathan's . Not as any sort of slight to their good advice, because I look back at my first query letter -- the one I sent out to four agents -- and cringe. But in a place that big, with so many differing opinions,I'll never get to a point where everyone agrees. Now that I think I'm close I would rather keep the suggestions coming from a smaller group of people. That way I don't get too much conflicting information.

So for you guys, if you like GREAT!!! If you see problems with it, or there is clunky writing that I'm missing (the whole forest through the trees thing) don't be nervous about telling me. Overall, I think I've finally narrowed the story down to its base capturing point & I want to see if I did it well enough.

Its a paranormal romance, btw and I'm only tossing the pitch out here for blog purposes.


Every twenty-three years, Anna Rodwen embarks on a new search to find the only man she's ever loved -- a pattern she's been forced to repeat for five centuries.

From the moment he stole her heart, Anna would do anything for Thomas Rodwen. When a fatal illness sweeps through Tudor England threatening to take his life, she resorts to using a magic she doesn't understand in order to save him. A mistake on her part leaves him with an eternal existence far different than her own. Anna never dies. Thomas never lives a life past the age of twenty-three. Their past is something she can never forget and he can never remember, yet they fall in love time and again.

Now for the first time in five hundred years, Anna is unable to find Thomas. She fears a break in their long standing pattern may signal the end of his existence. With his current lifetime set to expire, she must find him by the end of the night or face the possibility of losing him forever.

13 witty remarks:

The Alliterative Allomorph said...

I think that's awesome, Tracy. The only little error is 'a magic', should be either just 'magic' or 'a type (or kind) of magic'.
Otherwise, very cool. I'd read that too!

Shannon O'Donnell said...

This sounds like a fascinating story! I would definitely request more. :-)

Tracy said...

Good point, Jessica. I'll go back and change that. Yay, thanks!

Tracy said...

Thanks, Shannon!

JustineDell said...

This is way different than the one you had up on the forums, isn't it? I like it. I'm a romance girl myself, and I think you hit all the right notes here. Nice job!


Shannon said...


I think it sounds great. I checked back on the first one you posted and it's definitely evolved. The story makes more sense and makes me want to read more. Well done!

- Shannon

Matthew Rush said...

Now I get it! This is what was missing in all those ones you posted on the forums.

Good work.

Kelly Wittmann said...

Terrific! I predict lots of interest from agents.

Shelley Sly said...

This looks fantastic! I have no additions (and I've read a ton of query letters and crafted numerous queries myself). Good luck with your submissions!

P.S. I read your comment back to me two posts ago. My change in loyalties to baseball teams is mostly due to location. I grew up in NJ (Mets), went to college in PA (Phillies) and though I live in MD now, I'm still rootin' for the Phils for the time being. But I'm moving from Western MD to Anne Arundel County, closer to B-more, so I suspect I'll start cheering for the Orioles. :)

(Sorry my posts are always so long!)

ModernDayDrifter said...

I think your hard work on your pitch has paid off, because your synopsis sounds great! I wish you the very best!

Anonymous said...

Tracy, I love it! I'd definitely buy this book!

Mary McDonald said...

Tracy, good luck with the querying! I like this new version.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Tracy, that's great. It's way better. I would suggest only one change, if I may:

"A mistake on her part leaves him with an eternal existence far different than her own. Anna never dies. Thomas never lives a life past the age of twenty-three."

How about after "her own" a colon instead of the period, and after "never dies" a comma instead of the period.

"A mistake on her part leaves him with an eternal existence far different than her own: Anna never dies, and Thomas never lives a life past the age of twenty-three."

(I added an "and", too.)

Again, congrats on a great job.

Quill (over at Bransford Forums)

Gotta get me one of the fandangled user accounts.

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